It's Been a While

It's been a while since I told someone how I really feel. Since I could honestly answer any type of question; "How are you?" "When did you start talking to her?" "Do you REALLY think Dr. Pepper is the best drink for you?"
It's been a while since I could say that I knew what I was doing. If the things I'm doing are the right things to do. Or if I'm doing these things the right way. School, work, friends. Every single choice I decide to make, or every situation I decide to run away from.
It's been a while since I've been myself. I feel so far from the good ol' days, when I could just laugh and play. I didn't have to worry about who was lurking around every corner. I can't remember the last time I wasn't angry, or annoyed, by the simplest of things.
It's been a while since I told the complete truth. Since I wasn't ashamed to tell people who I've become.
It's been a while since I felt truly okay with myself. Since I could look in the mirror and smile. Since I could tell myself, "you are so beautiful, inside and out."
It's been a while since I knew who I was. Since I could tell the world my story.
It's been a while since I spoke with Jesus. I feel like I've fallen so far off track, that I can't get back on my own.
It's been a while since I could stand on my own. Since I could say I can do things alone, without any help from any person.
It's been a while since I could be happy. Since I could smile and convince others it was real.
It's been a while since I've had to find myself. Really, I think I just stopped looking.
I could really use a break, because honestly, it's been a while.

Believing

Did you know that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team? Or that Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas?” Elvis Presley was fired after his very first performance. e.e. Cummings was rejected by fifteen publishers before his mother published his work. Before Babe Ruth was famous for his homerun record, he held the record for the most strikeouts. Through the character of these people, I can show you great examples of something I truly believe. I believe in never giving up. Of all the lessons I’ve learned in life, never giving up is one of the most important. Growing up has never been “easy as pie” for me. There has never been a simple time in my life thus far, although, I don’t dwell on it, and no matter what situation you may be in right now, you shouldn’t either. We live our lives through experience. These experiences are what make us who we are. They teach us to grow and strive to be our very best. Believing in yourself and the powers you have is a virtue you should hold with a firm grasp, and never let go of. I found this poem titled, A Time to Believe which I would like to share with all of you. 

A Time To Believe

To believe is to know that
every day is a new beginning.
Is to trust that miracles happen,
and dreams really do come true.

To believe is to see angels
dancing among the clouds,
To know the wonder of a stardust sky
and the wisdom of the man in the moon.

To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,
The innocence of a child's eyes
and the beauty of an aging hand,
for it is through their teachings we learn to love.

To believe is to find the strength
and courage that lies within us
When it's time to pick up
the pieces and begin again.

To believe is to know
we are not alone,
That life is a gift
and this is our time to cherish it.

To believe is to know
that wonderful surprises are just
waiting to happen,
and all our hopes and dreams are within reach.

If only we believe.

B.J. Morbitzer.

You are never too old to have a Sleepover

            Think back to the days when being with your friends was the most wonderful feeling in the world. The moments you can go back to and the things you remember most are the laughs and secrets you all shared. However, growing up changes things. Sometimes, we lose friendships and find what we may think are more important things.  More important than simply having fun with the people you can be yourself around without feeling judged. There have been rough patches with my group of friends, just like any other group I’m sure. But no matter what, we somehow always find a way to make our friendships last. This weekend, one of my closest friends turned eighteen. Our group was getting back together to have one of our annual birthday sleepovers! There was only one thing that was holding me back; the fact that it had been a few years since we’d had our last sleepover. I was afraid it was going to be awkward or not as fun as it used to be. I was afraid we had outgrown our sleepover days.

            We started with food, as any great party would. It was just like our usual social talk, the ones we have at lunch. Then we moved to the living room to watch a chick flick, The Devil Wears Prada. When the movie got over it was only about eleven o’clock, but what else were we to do? This is when I figured it out. No matter how old you get, you are never too old to find fun, you never lose your imagination. You are never to old to have a sleepover. We ended up playing a game called Headbandz. Those laughs we shared back then were the same laughs we are sharing today. Needless to say, our night did not end there. Or with the next movie we watched. Actually, our night did not end until the next morning, three hours before I had to be at work for a seven hour waitressing shift.

            Anyway, there are two things I have learned from this sleepover.

1. Two hours of sleep is not enough to hold you throughout an entire day of perverted truckers.
2. It doesn’t matter how old you get, as long as you have your friends, you can have sleepovers.

Secret Strength

Do you ever have one of those really tough days when you feel like everything that could possibly go wrong, has? You just want to give up and hope that maybe tomorrow will be ten times better. It happens to the best of us. However, it shouldn’t be something that happens very frequently, but if it does, you’ve got to be a very strong person to be able to handle it.

            I would like to dedicate this blog to my friend, Erin Aragon. Erin and I first met when we were still in elementary school because our older brothers just so happened to be best friends. She was a very shy girl until she opened up to you. Growing up, I was always jealous of her. She had the coolest toys, the best movies; she even played the piano so wonderfully. So when we would hang out, I would always somehow try to find a way to impress her. Sometimes we would go out to the mountains near her house and climb rocks all day. Although I have admitted recently that I hated climbing rocks because I was afraid of heights, I never would have told her that in the past. Erin was someone I looked up to. Today, that truth remains the same.

            Erin has a secret strength to her. Just this year she has been through so many difficult circumstances. Things like death, surgery, and even her father leaving to war. Things that you and I would probably find very difficult to withstand. When I was younger, I admired Erin for the things she had. Today, I admire her for her strength. Her ability to keep on fighting and never give up, no matter what the day has stored ahead of her. Erin is one of my best friends and has always been there for me from the start. It’s kind of crazy to think about who and why people come into our lives. I believe Erin is in mine to show me a lesson I might have never known without her: we all have a secret strength somewhere inside of us.

Stranger

Dear _____,

           

            Yes, I did mean to leave a space there. I am already eighteen years old and I have no idea, not one clue as to what to call you. I don’t know your name, obviously. But, I don’t even have a nickname for you. One thing someone might call you is “grandpa.” But, I don’t think you deserve that name. I was thinking something more along the lines of chicken, abandoner, or even stranger. Okay, a like that one. Dear Stranger, I do not know you, nor do you know me. I wonder if you even know if I exist. You left when my dad was just a boy. He was so young, barely learning how to ride a bike, how to throw a baseball. You left him alone, waiting for someone else to help him learn. Luckily, he has a mom and an older brother that love him very much. They love him enough to try and take your place in teaching him, helping him grow, even loving him, because for some reason you didn’t feel capable enough to do so. Why did you leave anyway? Why did you decide to divorce my grandma and make her raise three boys on her own? When I was younger and more naïve, I used to be sad for my dad and for grandma. I used to ask my dad, “Why would he just leave you? Did he not think you were pretty enough?” I never noticed the gloss in my dad’s eyes when he would smile at me and say, “I guess he couldn’t see the beauty of having a child. He didn’t know that I would grow up and have a beautiful baby just like he did.” So now that I am older, I see the things I did not see then. I am not sad for my grandma. It makes me really happy actually to see how happy she is and how much better off she is without the “stranger.” I see how strong she is. Growing up I’ve seen how strong our family has been. And even though we are not the traditional Brady Bunch, I see the beauty in us. I hope you see it too, all of the things you lost.

Love,

 Your Granddaughter

Or, stranger.

Decisions

Every morning we wake up having to make decisions. There are simple things like whether you should wear a t-shirt or a tank top. Then there are more important things like deciding whether you should stay home and eat dinner with your mom, or go out and see your friends. Decisions. It’s senior year and I am barely thinking about these little demons. This is the time when we should know exactly what we are doing, where we are going, and how we are going to get there. But what happens if you don’t know? I have never known what I wanted to do for my future. I mean, I knew I wanted to go to college and get a degree, but I didn’t know where or when or how long it would take me to get there. Now it is getting pretty close to time for me to make yet another decision.         

Saturday morning my mom woke me up yelling at me to open the letter I received in the mail. It was from the college I had been waiting for a response from, the University of Arizona. The letter had said I was accepted. Hooray! My mom was so excited, she told everyone she knew about the news before I even had the chance to get up and brush my teeth. It makes sense that she would act this way though, since I will be the first in my family to attend college, let alone even graduate high school. I was excited too but in the back of my head I was still debating on every other decision I would have to make before I chose to pack up and leave.

High school is a scary place. It is like our second home. The place we learn, prepare, and grow. There is no doubt if I had the decision to never go to school, I would not even give it a second thought. College is the same way. We are not yet finished growing. College is just another decision waiting to be made. You just have to decide whether it is a simple one or a more important one.  So when I fell asleep on Saturday night I had to believe that making this decision to go to UofA was the best opportunity for me. I had to stop telling myself that I have all the time in the world because, well, I really don’t. Decisions. You decide. 

Life

create life. enjoy life. live life. give life. discover life. quote life. love life. have life.

Life is something great. Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, "wow, it's so great to be alive, to have life." Most of the time, we don't even think about the little everyday things. They are such a blessing to have, yet we take advantage of them. When was the last time you sat down and said a prayer? And no, I don't mean asking God for something special like a car or a raise. I mean just sitting down and thanking him for such a beautiful day. For the flowers blooming in the sun. For the wonderful people you encounter everyday. What about the life he gives you every morning you wake up? Things like this, the things that actually matter, we expect them to be given to us and with no pleases or thank-you's. God does, he gives them to you. God is waiting for you to see what a great thing he does for you, so very patiently. When are you going to see this, and change your ways? I challenge you, to do this. To live your life through God. To thank him for the wonderful things he does. Thank God, for life.

.1% More than cookies

Okay so, this blog will actually go quite well with the title of my blog, “this imperfect life.” I guess nobody’s life is truly perfect, but I’ll give you a glimpse into how mine has been recently. On this previous Tuesday, Valentine’s Day, I was taken to Flagstaff Emergency Hospital. I have been having very bad stomach pains for the past month or so and they had been getting more frequent and more painful. We were there for around eight hours, just to discover that I have an ulcer, caused by stress. Wonderful. Well, while I was lying uncomfortably with an IV in my arm and in that ugly gown, I began to think.

I was very grossed out by the fact that they reuse gowns. The fact that I could be wearing something that someone had died in was very disturbing. My mom called me morbid and laughed. She said it was sanitary because they wash them but I was not convinced. I continued to tell her that community anything is gross and as you know, I hate to share. I used bowling shoes as an example. They only spray those things with Lysol and call it good. Disgusting. “Lysol kills 99.9% of germs,” my mom says. Here is where the .1% comes in. I said, “Mom, .1% is a big deal! .1% gets delicious, home-baked cookies taken away from you!” She just looked at me with confusion, so I proceeded to tell her how my 6^th hour Government class didn’t get cookies because the 7^th class beat our test score percentage by .1%. She had nothing left to say except, “At least they let you keep the socks.”

This is when I started thinking deeper into what I was discussing with my mom. What if we lived our life by that .1%? Instead of just thinking that 90% is satisfying? Why shouldn’t we strive for that extra little point? What if you were .1% nicer to people? What if you cared .1% more about someone? What if we tried .1% harder in our lives, in everything we do? Maybe our lives could be .1% better. Maybe .1% makes more of a difference than we think. More than just cookies.

-Payt.

Share love

Do you remember being young, like daycare age? Those days when having an apple juice and teddy graham snack just before taking your afternoon nap was part of your everyday schedule? Do you remember your favorite toy? You know, the very first one you picked up and held all afternoon just so nobody else could play with it? One second you would have it but the moment you realized it was no longer in your reach you would search and fight until you got it back. This was when we first learned about the importance of sharing. Oh how I hated to share.

Today, more than ten years later, I STILL hate to share. I mean, I know how to, but if I get the option, I won’t do it. Well, there are certain occasions where sharing IS okay. For example, sharing your excitement during a football game, or sharing a nice walk down the road together. However, on the other hand, there are things we never want to share.

1.       The last bite of your dessert.

2.       The blankets when you are trying to sleep.

3.       Most importantly- your boyfriend.

Now, you may be thinking, “Wow, what is she saying? She is crazy.” No, I am not. In high school, we learn so much more quickly than in our preschool years. We learn about sharing and caring and about love. I’m not saying we shouldn’t share love, (because we definitely should!) I’m just saying we should be more careful about choosing how we do so.

Speaking of love, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Now, there are usually two sides to this “special day” you either love it, or you hate it. I, for one, feel no emotion for this day. At a young age, my parents got married on Valentine’s Day. However, through my years, they have also gotten divorced. So, in my household, it has always been another kind of experience. Last year though, I decided to try and get into the spirit of things. I bought a dozen roses and a bag of Hershey’s kisses (cliché, I know). I was doing this act of kindness thing and just handing them out to people I felt might need some love that day. Of course I gave one to my mom, and a few to my closest friends, and the most special, a boy who had a little crush on me. I thought he was sweet, the way he would hold open the door for me every time he saw me walk past. So, I left him a little note in the office, along with a rose and a kiss stating it was from his “secret crush.” I imagine he loved it because after lunch, I saw him walking around with it, wilting in his hand.

Anyway, I’ll get to the point. Share love. Share it with those you care about. Do what makes you happy. Surround yourself with those who make you smile. Laugh as much as you breathe. Love as long as you live. Because, as long as you share the love you have, you’ll need nothing else.

-Payt.

Cheerleading

“Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don’t belong, and no one understands you?” This song plays over and over in my head as I sit on those bleachers, my heart thumping out of my chest. We have competition in just twenty minutes that I should be focused on right now, but instead, my mind is settled on the text message I got from my boss saying, “Your last check will be mailed to you.” OH WOW! You must be thinking, “Oh my gosh what did you do?” Well, here’s the story.
I have known about this competition for the past three months, at least. I knew I was going to be out of town, so I asked for the day off, three months ago. Schedules come out every two weeks. It just so happened to be the day before we leave to our competition that I get the schedule saying I was supposed to work. Whoops, what do I do now? Do I call my coach up and tell her “Hey, I gotta work. Sorry!” Or do I let my boss know that in the hour I was supposed to be working, there would be an empty chair in that theater? These are the decisions running through my head.
Today, my blog is all about priorities. Now, I have been thinking about this for quite awhile. Like, should I go hang out with my friends, or stay home and watch that movie my mom has been dying to see? Or, should I go to practice instead of skipping school to go to the mall? Normally, I would just go with what I felt like doing, and not think about the consequences that follow.
Cheerleading is my top priority. Although, it might as well be officially over after going to state (and taking 9th place in case you were wondering). When I entered into high school as a terrified little freshman, cheer was the only thing I knew I could look forward to. Cheerleading was what gave me my place in this new life of mine. Cheerleading will always be the thing I will say is what created who I am today. So, when you ask me how I do it or why I put up with the “drama” I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you “it’s just who I am.”