Because It's Life

I've been sitting and thinking and thinking and sitting for the last two days. But for some reason I can't get a single thought to make sense. You see, in all the times I've truly cared for someone, you were the first to tell me you loved me and mean it. With that look in your eyes as you stared into mine. That look of pure admiration, and honesty, and seriousness. And yet, so full of life and actual heartfelt meaning. 
When my heart breaks, it shatters. The world starts to spin and I lose my balance. I curl up into a ball; my own little world. I sleep. I cry my eyes out. I wake up from nightmares replaying over and over whether I'm awake or not.. But since the first time I looked into your eyes, I haven't. I haven't cried once. I think I finally realized just where I was meant to be, looking right into those beautiful, welcoming eyes of yours. I haven't slept for countless hours. The amount of time we have been apart. I can't seem to grasp it all. How in just one moment everything turned from being perfect and just how I wanted, to a complete blur. There is something about you that makes me feel so lost. So compelled to get in the car and drive. Just drive straight to your house, to knock on your door, and to kiss you. The way you would kiss the love of your life on your wedding day. Fast forward fifteen years and it would be the same kiss that brought your crumbling marriage back together after almost ending it all. That kiss that made you realize why you fell in love in the first place. And after I kissed you and my heart was filled with pure bliss and love again, like it was never broken in the first place, I'd get back in my car and drive away. Far, far away where nobody could tell me what to do or who to be. Nobody could tell me what decisions or mistakes to make. What may scar me or make me incredibly happy in the end. And then I would feel complete. For the very first time ever. And as a single tear would fall from my eye, I'd smile and look over at the seat next to me, because you would be sitting there. Right there next to me, for the rest of time. And nobody would be able to take you away from me, because then you could be mine and only mine.
But then I fall out of this daze that makes life seem so effortlessly perfect. I'm brought back to this life that I have been given. And suddenly, it all finally makes sense. Because it's life. All of it. The pain, the love, the daydreams, the nightmares, the spinning and dancing. It's life. It's not supposed to work out the way you expect it to. It's not supposed to be blissfully endless. It's a challenge; a constant battle. Only for the strongest warriors.
I've been sitting and thinking and thinking and sitting for the last two days. And I think I'm ready for my shield and sword. 

It Would Never Be Enough

If time had anything to do with it, then time would never be enough. The minutes, the hours, the years, even decades; every single moment.
If money had anything to do with it, then money would never be enough. Flowers that die, dinners that get eaten, material things.
If character had anything to do with it, then character would never be enough. How much you care, the things you sacrifice, all the dangers you may face. 
If distance had anything to do with it, then distance would never be enough. Oceans apart, two-day drives, a flight across the country.
If love had anything to do with it, then love would never be enough. Hugs, kisses, all the "I love you's" in your heart, every letter written in ink.
If memories had anything to do with it, then memories would never be enough. Childhood play dates, growing up, mistakes, moving on.
Any amount of words I could spit out, every single thought in my head, each emotion I feel for you in my heart, they would never be enough. 
Because time, money, character, distance, love, memories, words, thoughts, emotions; these things all fade. And yet still, it would never be enough.
It would never be enough. 

I Can See Through Your Eyes

I want to scream.
I can't stop thinking of you and her.
The past, the present.
Wondering about the future.
It has been so long, yet no time has passed at all.
The way I feel; like, as tense as a tiger while he stalks his prey.
I can see through your eyes, the thoughts in your head.
You are thinking of her, yes?
When I take a deep breath it burns in my throat.
I can feel the tears filling up in my eyes.
The butterflies in my stomach, slowly dying off with every negative thought.
But when you ask, "What are you thinking?"
I simply reply, "About you."
I refuse to tell you the rest,
"...and her."

Poof

Some days are harder than others. There are days when you can wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because you know that you've got something amazing happening. Other days, its really hard to even look at the clock and check the time because you want nothing more than to simply lay in bed with the covers over your head in peace. These past few days have been more like that for me. I would rather just sit and stare at the wall, thinking about what I could to do fix what a mess my life has become, instead of facing more troubles I know the day will provide me with. It's pretty easy to give up. If you ask me, I'd say I probably give up 90% of the time. I give up on eating breakfast, I give up on trying to finish my homework on time, I even give up on getting my hair to look just the way I want it. I give up so easily. But giving up, its not one of those things i choose frequently. It's almost like a fight to the death. Me against the challenge I have opposing me. I fight and fight with all I have until I can no longer hold the shield I have against my chest, or swing the sword I have in my hand. That is when I accept death. Accept that I can no longer fight, and let the dragons fiery breath take me in.

In my head, this is death. It's almost as if nothing we have ever been through could be this bad. We all know what this "death" feels like too. Because, admit it, you give up just as much as I do. Sometimes we choose the battles we know we can't win, just for the sake of saying we fought. But how long can we keep this up? How long can we keep going into battle, and end up coming out on the losing side? How many times does that dragon have to overcome our strength for us to realize, he doesn't have to win?

Poof. That thought you just had in your head about never having the ability to win your battles, is gone. That memory of that last losing battle, poof, no longer in your mind. Because right now, you're considering something you've never thought twice about; winning. You CAN win. You can defeat that dragon, all on your own. Take a moment to yourself right now. Take just a second to just put yourself in that arena, surrounded with fans cheering you on. They all know you can win this, they all know you can do anything. So you fight, and you win. And you have never felt so successful, so achieved, so proud of doing something you never planned on doing. If you would just take that little moment each day to remind yourself how great you are, then poof, everything else is gone. All the negative, all the little dragons in your head. And then tomorrow morning, when you wake up, you won't even have to second guess what the outcome will be, because you've got your shield and sword right on your bed stand. 
Have a great day friends.
Love, Payton.

It's Been a While

It's been a while since I told someone how I really feel. Since I could honestly answer any type of question; "How are you?" "When did you start talking to her?" "Do you REALLY think Dr. Pepper is the best drink for you?"
It's been a while since I could say that I knew what I was doing. If the things I'm doing are the right things to do. Or if I'm doing these things the right way. School, work, friends. Every single choice I decide to make, or every situation I decide to run away from.
It's been a while since I've been myself. I feel so far from the good ol' days, when I could just laugh and play. I didn't have to worry about who was lurking around every corner. I can't remember the last time I wasn't angry, or annoyed, by the simplest of things.
It's been a while since I told the complete truth. Since I wasn't ashamed to tell people who I've become.
It's been a while since I felt truly okay with myself. Since I could look in the mirror and smile. Since I could tell myself, "you are so beautiful, inside and out."
It's been a while since I knew who I was. Since I could tell the world my story.
It's been a while since I spoke with Jesus. I feel like I've fallen so far off track, that I can't get back on my own.
It's been a while since I could stand on my own. Since I could say I can do things alone, without any help from any person.
It's been a while since I could be happy. Since I could smile and convince others it was real.
It's been a while since I've had to find myself. Really, I think I just stopped looking.
I could really use a break, because honestly, it's been a while.

Believing

Did you know that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team? Or that Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas?” Elvis Presley was fired after his very first performance. e.e. Cummings was rejected by fifteen publishers before his mother published his work. Before Babe Ruth was famous for his homerun record, he held the record for the most strikeouts. Through the character of these people, I can show you great examples of something I truly believe. I believe in never giving up. Of all the lessons I’ve learned in life, never giving up is one of the most important. Growing up has never been “easy as pie” for me. There has never been a simple time in my life thus far, although, I don’t dwell on it, and no matter what situation you may be in right now, you shouldn’t either. We live our lives through experience. These experiences are what make us who we are. They teach us to grow and strive to be our very best. Believing in yourself and the powers you have is a virtue you should hold with a firm grasp, and never let go of. I found this poem titled, A Time to Believe which I would like to share with all of you. 

A Time To Believe

To believe is to know that
every day is a new beginning.
Is to trust that miracles happen,
and dreams really do come true.

To believe is to see angels
dancing among the clouds,
To know the wonder of a stardust sky
and the wisdom of the man in the moon.

To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,
The innocence of a child's eyes
and the beauty of an aging hand,
for it is through their teachings we learn to love.

To believe is to find the strength
and courage that lies within us
When it's time to pick up
the pieces and begin again.

To believe is to know
we are not alone,
That life is a gift
and this is our time to cherish it.

To believe is to know
that wonderful surprises are just
waiting to happen,
and all our hopes and dreams are within reach.

If only we believe.

B.J. Morbitzer.

You are never too old to have a Sleepover

            Think back to the days when being with your friends was the most wonderful feeling in the world. The moments you can go back to and the things you remember most are the laughs and secrets you all shared. However, growing up changes things. Sometimes, we lose friendships and find what we may think are more important things.  More important than simply having fun with the people you can be yourself around without feeling judged. There have been rough patches with my group of friends, just like any other group I’m sure. But no matter what, we somehow always find a way to make our friendships last. This weekend, one of my closest friends turned eighteen. Our group was getting back together to have one of our annual birthday sleepovers! There was only one thing that was holding me back; the fact that it had been a few years since we’d had our last sleepover. I was afraid it was going to be awkward or not as fun as it used to be. I was afraid we had outgrown our sleepover days.

            We started with food, as any great party would. It was just like our usual social talk, the ones we have at lunch. Then we moved to the living room to watch a chick flick, The Devil Wears Prada. When the movie got over it was only about eleven o’clock, but what else were we to do? This is when I figured it out. No matter how old you get, you are never too old to find fun, you never lose your imagination. You are never to old to have a sleepover. We ended up playing a game called Headbandz. Those laughs we shared back then were the same laughs we are sharing today. Needless to say, our night did not end there. Or with the next movie we watched. Actually, our night did not end until the next morning, three hours before I had to be at work for a seven hour waitressing shift.

            Anyway, there are two things I have learned from this sleepover.

1. Two hours of sleep is not enough to hold you throughout an entire day of perverted truckers.
2. It doesn’t matter how old you get, as long as you have your friends, you can have sleepovers.