Because It's Life

I've been sitting and thinking and thinking and sitting for the last two days. But for some reason I can't get a single thought to make sense. You see, in all the times I've truly cared for someone, you were the first to tell me you loved me and mean it. With that look in your eyes as you stared into mine. That look of pure admiration, and honesty, and seriousness. And yet, so full of life and actual heartfelt meaning. 
When my heart breaks, it shatters. The world starts to spin and I lose my balance. I curl up into a ball; my own little world. I sleep. I cry my eyes out. I wake up from nightmares replaying over and over whether I'm awake or not.. But since the first time I looked into your eyes, I haven't. I haven't cried once. I think I finally realized just where I was meant to be, looking right into those beautiful, welcoming eyes of yours. I haven't slept for countless hours. The amount of time we have been apart. I can't seem to grasp it all. How in just one moment everything turned from being perfect and just how I wanted, to a complete blur. There is something about you that makes me feel so lost. So compelled to get in the car and drive. Just drive straight to your house, to knock on your door, and to kiss you. The way you would kiss the love of your life on your wedding day. Fast forward fifteen years and it would be the same kiss that brought your crumbling marriage back together after almost ending it all. That kiss that made you realize why you fell in love in the first place. And after I kissed you and my heart was filled with pure bliss and love again, like it was never broken in the first place, I'd get back in my car and drive away. Far, far away where nobody could tell me what to do or who to be. Nobody could tell me what decisions or mistakes to make. What may scar me or make me incredibly happy in the end. And then I would feel complete. For the very first time ever. And as a single tear would fall from my eye, I'd smile and look over at the seat next to me, because you would be sitting there. Right there next to me, for the rest of time. And nobody would be able to take you away from me, because then you could be mine and only mine.
But then I fall out of this daze that makes life seem so effortlessly perfect. I'm brought back to this life that I have been given. And suddenly, it all finally makes sense. Because it's life. All of it. The pain, the love, the daydreams, the nightmares, the spinning and dancing. It's life. It's not supposed to work out the way you expect it to. It's not supposed to be blissfully endless. It's a challenge; a constant battle. Only for the strongest warriors.
I've been sitting and thinking and thinking and sitting for the last two days. And I think I'm ready for my shield and sword. 

It Would Never Be Enough

If time had anything to do with it, then time would never be enough. The minutes, the hours, the years, even decades; every single moment.
If money had anything to do with it, then money would never be enough. Flowers that die, dinners that get eaten, material things.
If character had anything to do with it, then character would never be enough. How much you care, the things you sacrifice, all the dangers you may face. 
If distance had anything to do with it, then distance would never be enough. Oceans apart, two-day drives, a flight across the country.
If love had anything to do with it, then love would never be enough. Hugs, kisses, all the "I love you's" in your heart, every letter written in ink.
If memories had anything to do with it, then memories would never be enough. Childhood play dates, growing up, mistakes, moving on.
Any amount of words I could spit out, every single thought in my head, each emotion I feel for you in my heart, they would never be enough. 
Because time, money, character, distance, love, memories, words, thoughts, emotions; these things all fade. And yet still, it would never be enough.
It would never be enough. 

I Can See Through Your Eyes

I want to scream.
I can't stop thinking of you and her.
The past, the present.
Wondering about the future.
It has been so long, yet no time has passed at all.
The way I feel; like, as tense as a tiger while he stalks his prey.
I can see through your eyes, the thoughts in your head.
You are thinking of her, yes?
When I take a deep breath it burns in my throat.
I can feel the tears filling up in my eyes.
The butterflies in my stomach, slowly dying off with every negative thought.
But when you ask, "What are you thinking?"
I simply reply, "About you."
I refuse to tell you the rest,
"...and her."

Poof

Some days are harder than others. There are days when you can wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because you know that you've got something amazing happening. Other days, its really hard to even look at the clock and check the time because you want nothing more than to simply lay in bed with the covers over your head in peace. These past few days have been more like that for me. I would rather just sit and stare at the wall, thinking about what I could to do fix what a mess my life has become, instead of facing more troubles I know the day will provide me with. It's pretty easy to give up. If you ask me, I'd say I probably give up 90% of the time. I give up on eating breakfast, I give up on trying to finish my homework on time, I even give up on getting my hair to look just the way I want it. I give up so easily. But giving up, its not one of those things i choose frequently. It's almost like a fight to the death. Me against the challenge I have opposing me. I fight and fight with all I have until I can no longer hold the shield I have against my chest, or swing the sword I have in my hand. That is when I accept death. Accept that I can no longer fight, and let the dragons fiery breath take me in.

In my head, this is death. It's almost as if nothing we have ever been through could be this bad. We all know what this "death" feels like too. Because, admit it, you give up just as much as I do. Sometimes we choose the battles we know we can't win, just for the sake of saying we fought. But how long can we keep this up? How long can we keep going into battle, and end up coming out on the losing side? How many times does that dragon have to overcome our strength for us to realize, he doesn't have to win?

Poof. That thought you just had in your head about never having the ability to win your battles, is gone. That memory of that last losing battle, poof, no longer in your mind. Because right now, you're considering something you've never thought twice about; winning. You CAN win. You can defeat that dragon, all on your own. Take a moment to yourself right now. Take just a second to just put yourself in that arena, surrounded with fans cheering you on. They all know you can win this, they all know you can do anything. So you fight, and you win. And you have never felt so successful, so achieved, so proud of doing something you never planned on doing. If you would just take that little moment each day to remind yourself how great you are, then poof, everything else is gone. All the negative, all the little dragons in your head. And then tomorrow morning, when you wake up, you won't even have to second guess what the outcome will be, because you've got your shield and sword right on your bed stand. 
Have a great day friends.
Love, Payton.